How do you support your elderly parents to give up driving?
Convincing your elderly parents to give up driving might not be the easiest task on your to do list. Yes, you’ve heard the stories about someone’s grandma taking out the entire cake display after she’s put her foot on the accelerator instead of the brake. In what appears to be a scene from a Mission Impossible movie, she’s catapulted the car over the kerb to smash through the plate glass window of the local bakery. Then there’s the anecdote of the ninety-year-old, with freshly diagnosed dementia, who refused his children’s pleas to give up his license. His unblemished driving record was ample evidence of his superlative driving ability. To preserve his independence, this nonogenarian distanced himself from his children and carried on his merry driving way. The next time his children saw him, they noticed the dents, scrapes and scratches on most panels on his car. These are just two of the endless supply of stories that make the case for encouraging older people to stop driving. Sadly, some of those stories are tales of horrific fatalities on our roads.
As we age, we tend to slow down. We are unable to process information as quickly. Some will say that we become more cautious. There are many other impacts on our driving ability such as vision and hearing loss, chronic conditions, pain and of course, dementia etc.
When you ask an older person to stop driving and surrender their license, you are asking a lot. You are asking them to make wholesale changes to the way they live their life. Take a minute to think about what would change if you lost your license. For example, how would you do your shopping, attend your appointments, meet your friends, transport yourself to sporting events, go out at night? How would you do that? What if your were on the age pension and couldn’t afford to Uber your way through life? What if public transport is rare or non-existent? Would you uproot your older parent from their beloved home, their social milieu and everything else that has been familiar for decades?
There is no doubt that it is better to approach your elderly parents sooner rather than later if you have concerns about their driving ability. Your concerns might include your observations that they can’t see what’s in their peripheral vision or they struggle to stay in their lane or to change lanes or their routinely mount the kerb to round a corner etc. Then, it might be time for a chat.
Approach the topic of how they drive sensitively. Own any angst that you are feeling. Your parents may well be oblivious to your concerns. They may also have strong opinions about how well they drive, say, compared to you.
Work with your parents to arrive at the best outcome for the family. Don’t demand. They may well be ready to lay down the car keys. Or, to negotiate with you if they see that you are acting in their best interests. Look for alternatives. How much time do you, your siblings and your families have to drive them around each and every week for the foreseeable future? Perhaps they could continue to drive to the local shops, but not at night and not on major arterial roads. Don’t make threats or deceive them. Forget just storming off with their car keys and selling the car. Your parents may take a very long time to forgive you for imprisoning them in their home and cutting them off from their world.
There’s some great advice in the articles below that will guide you when it comes to having that difficult driving chat with your parents.
Resources
Helping your parents stay mobile, NRMA https://www.mynrma.com.au/-/media/documents/motoring-education/older-drivers/older-drivers-helping-your-parents.pdf
Driving and Dementia. https://www.dementia.org.au/living-dementia/staying-connected/driving-and-dementia
How to approach your senior parent to give up driving. Creating the Hill. (USA) https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2019/09/helping-your-senior-parent-give-up-driving.html#:~:text=Giving%20up%20the%20right%20to,both%20you%20and%20your%20parent.
Reference
Hardwick RM, Forrence AD, Costello MG, Zackowski K, Haith AM. Age-related increases in reaction time result from slower preparation, not delayed initiation. J Neurophysiol. 2022 Sep 1;128(3):582-592. doi: 10.1152/jn.00072.2022. Epub 2022 Jul 13. PMID: 35829640; PMCID: PMC9423772.