Secure My Treasures

Gaslighting – When Someone Tries to Rewrite Your Reality

Posted on by Char Weeks

Recently widowed, 75-year-old Angelina had lived peacefully in her building for five years. She had made it her home. She loved the familiar faces, quiet routines, and a sense of belonging. It was her safe place.

Then, one day, three neighbours — people she’d always greeted politely — crossed a line.

They turned up at her door uninvited, saying they wanted to “sort something out.”  They were unhappy that the fly screens that had fallen from her veranda windows were now covered in spider webs. Apparently, her “untidy” veranda suggested that the home was abandoned and invited “trouble”.

What they called a friendly visit quickly turned into something else. As longer-term residents, they used stand-over tactics to coerce Angelina into deferring to them — as if she needed to report to them or seek their approval about what happened in her own home.

It was a situation that wasn’t theirs to manage, and the power imbalance was unmistakable.

What followed was worse than their intimidation.

Whispers spread. Another neighbour quietly suggested Angelina must have imagined the encounter. When she raised her concern, someone said, “You’re overreacting — they were just trying to help.” Another said, “There’s something wrong with you. Why would you make that up?”

Then came the deeper cut.

The three neighbours shared their version of events with others in the building. Their story took on a life of its own.

People Angelina had once chatted with in the hallway now looked away. A place that had felt safe began to feel hostile.

That’s what makes gaslighting so destructive: it doesn’t stop with denial. It spreads doubt. It breaks trust. It destroys friendships. It isolates the person being targeted by shaping how others see them — and once shaped, those jaundiced views are hard to reverse.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone tries to make another person doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.

It can happen anywhere — in families, workplaces, friendships, communities, health settings or aged care.

It often sounds like:

  • “That’s not what happened.”
  • “You must be mistaken.”
  • “You must have imagined it.”

Over time, those quiet distortions can make even the strongest person question themselves.

Older people can be especially vulnerable, particularly when others assume they’re forgetful or less capable of interpreting events accurately — or when health conditions like dementia affect memory or cognition.

The Older Persons Advocacy Network (OPAN) notes that emotional manipulation and coercion are among the most common forms of elder abuse.

For older people, gaslighting is especially harmful because it attacks confidence, self-trust, and belonging.

Gaslighting, when directed at an older person, is a form of elder abuse.

What older people can do if they are being gaslit

If you’re being gaslit or you suspect someone is trying to make you doubt what you know to be true, here’s what you can do.

Trust what you know to be true

  • Your memory and perception are valid.
  • If someone tells you, “You’re confused” or “That didn’t happen,” or asks, “Why did you make that up?” pause before accepting their version.
  • Ask yourself: “What do I remember clearly?”
  • Write it down. That simple act protects your truth.

Keep a written record

  • Note what happened — what was said, who was present, where it took place and when. Keep your notes in a safe place even if the gaslighting appears to cease.
  • These notes can steady you emotionally and support you if you later decide to make a formal complaint.

Avoid isolation

  • Gaslighting works best when you’re alone.
  • If you have a mobile phone, keep it close so that you can call for help if required,
  • Stay connected to friends, family, or community members who listen with respect and without judgement.
  • If you need someone independent to talk to, call the Older Persons Advocacy Network (OPAN) on 1800 700 600 (7 days a week, free and confidential).

Seek professional support — but choose carefully

  • A counsellor or psychologist who understands older clients and trauma-informed practice can help you rebuild self-trust.
  • You can find accredited practitioners through the Australian Psychological Society’s “Find a Psychologist” tool.

Set clear boundaries

  • You have the right to decide who you speak with, who enters your home, how you’re spoken to, and what topics are open for discussion.
  • If someone attempts to “manage” you or speak over you, calmly withdraw from the interaction.
  • You don’t need to explain your boundaries to people who disregard them.

If professionals are involved, seek formal advice

If gaslighting involves intimidation or professional misconduct, you can contact:

Take care of your wellbeing

  • Gaslighting can erode confidence and peace of mind.
  • Gentle self-care — journalling, walking, art, time in nature, or spending time with those who believe you — helps restore your sense of safety.

Gaslighting says: “You can’t trust yourself.”
Belief, strength and recovery say: “I can — and I do.”

You don’t owe anyone the power to define your reality.

You can stand in your truth — and there are people and services who will stand with you.

 

Secure My Treasures